Blind Spots

One of my biggest blind spots that has continually sabotaged me has been trying to stay and act strong. When in real time, I am mentally exhausted, my emotions are not in my control.

I don’t know whether to call this a personality or character fault. It happens under high pressured scenarios where FFF response hijacks me. Looking back I can see situations where my biggest mistakes were made in freeze or fight back mode. I am trying to think of a situation where flight caused me to make mistakes. If anything, taking a step back or fleeing/ running away, seems a better option when hijacked by the emotional brain i.e., amygdala. There is no shame in surviving, live to fight another day.

As a martial arts practitioner…. what will I choose when hijacked by my emotional brain? Fight, flight or freeze? Definitely not freeze… it’s either fight or flight and the judgement call somewhat comes from experience and practise. Exposure to fighting experiences. Once more there is no shame in surviving to live to fight another day, from a position of strength. A martial arts practitioner is a smart fighter, who knows when and when not to engage in battles. He understands that there maybe losing battles, but the war is won by strategy and plan. Damn… I am starting to sound like Sun Tzu. 😅

I am writing this because I am trying to assess why in different situations, my nature is to fight back but that’s because in real time, I cannot tell that my emotional brain has hijacked me. This happens under high pressured scenarios.

Going forwards what procedures or process can I put in place to avoid this pitfall? Flight is a good option that gives me a chance to step back, cut the loss short. It gives me a chance to step away, however, it will only be effective if I can be aware in real time. The emotional brain can be very tricky and often it is very hard to know what is happening until the damage is done.I have failed to do this over and over again. I have made a lot of mistakes in life, in high pressured scenarios, in high performance activities. I guess the only way to overcome these faults of mine is by sticking to a process. It’s easier said than done in real time. But if I am able to take corrective action especially to something I have been blind for so long. I can avoid pitfalls and sabotaging behaviour. I can minimise it, I can keep it under check.

I also know that it will not happen overnight and that it will take further practise. In pursuit of any craft, deliberate practise with focused attention is what builds the necessary skills. That said, I am glad to at least have gained this knowledge through constantly reviewing my own work, performances and analysing fights.

The reason why I like to compare my behaviour and my responses in martial arts to other high performance activities is because my experience and skills are greater in martial arts than other high performance endeavours and skills I am pursuing. It provides me an opportunity to assess my nature, my learnt behaviours. By nature I am fiesty, I do not like losing, I am competitive. I like to do better each time. I am impatient and act often without thinking. Knowing all my faults, the only thing that can save me from myself is a process- one of deliberate practise with focused attention.

To summarise this to myself and hopefully it helps you too, my biggest blind spot is keep on fighting even when hijacked by the amygdala. Why? Because my character has been shaped over years such that I act strong even when I am not. Here perhaps what I am seeing is the double edged sword that resilience is. However, it is not resilience that keeps me fighting. It is my emotions.

Peek-a-boo!

It has certainly been a while since I have written any new posts. Life has gotten in the way. Most of it is just an excuse and less of it is laziness. I am glad that I did not break the habit out of laziness.

So, what post have I got up my sleeve this time? What new tricks have I learnt? Or rather skills?

Not learnt anything new. In fact, not even read any books. I started listening to “The beekeeper of Aleppo” on audible. I got quite a few books to go through. I took a break from nearly everything. Perhaps to reset, find balance once more. I am obsessed with balance because most of my life has been a seesaw, an emotional one, a challenging one, the one that constantly shifts weight on either extremes. This being the reason why I am continually trying to find balance when I find myself fortunately and many a times unfortunately, on one of the extreme ends.

Writing everything down helps me find mental clarity. Like talking to a therapist helps me find clarity of thoughts.

I write while I watch the sun set. I am glad that aside all other disruptions and obstacles, I have continued to stay connected to nature. If anything the change of environment has been helpful. It has helped me appreciate blessings, appreciate friends who I keep in touch with and with whom I have not been in contact for a while. It has helped me to be grateful that life still has many opportunities to offer.

Do I sound like a glass half full kind of person right now? While I am most certainly quite optimistic, I am aware of the reality of things surrounding me.

We make things difficult and complicated for ourselves. All the complexities, they stem from me. I guess that means I am still in the process of figuring things out. I still have a lot to learn, I still have a lot of wisdom to gain. Perhaps, when I am wiser, I can say that life is simple.

Where are you in your life right now? Do you see it as simple? Or do you see life as complex? Do you challenge yourself to new goals? Or do you seek comfort in the monotonous routine?

When The Rain Stops!

There are rain clouds above me.

Covering up the sky,

The sun,

The moon,

and the stars.

Every time I step forwards, 

The cloudbursts in synchronised symphony.

I wish for the courage to soak up all the rain.

And when the rain stops, and clouds clear up,

I want to look at the sky and remember what promises I made!

I want to chase those dreams!

End.

Some thoughts while I was writing these 2 poems. No self help and psychology can help an individual when they give up on themselves. Right now in this moment, I feel like I have given up. So I write, I write so that I can influence my feelings. I write so that I can alter my thoughts.

The words are a medium; inspired by thoughts, experiences, feelings, imagination, creativity.  

Just like we first take shelter from the rain and storm, it is only after the rain, that there is more life. The tallest trees soak up the rain in that proportion.  The nature provides many parables. 

Just like a bird that struggles to fly away from the nest. If it gives up trying, it won’t ever look up at the sky. 

Pride and Alive

If I were to write about blissful life, does that mean I too, will live in a bliss? 

If I keep telling myself I can do this. No matter what, I can get through this. Will it make me feel different? 

If I keep smiling, will the pain and sorrow dissipate? 

If I stand under the sun, will I take on its shine? 

If I climb up the hills and mountains, will I grow as tall? 

If I keep silent, will I remain focused and calm? 

If I scream out, will my voice be heard? 

If I fight back, whose side will I be on?  Who will be with me? 

If I walk alone, will I have any pride? 

If I accept who I am- will I stay alive? 

End.