Still Searching

Standing in front of the mirror, in search of a different me. How is it that I can see myself, but cannot see my thoughts. The very thoughts that remain buried in the depths, it’s a struggle to scream them out! In the mirror, I see many faults. I see some good in me too.
Standing at the door, I step outside in search of a different me. How is it that I feel caged inside the four walls, but cannot escape those thoughts. The very thoughts that remain buried in the depths, it’s a struggle to scream them out! Standing at the door, I see the cage I am in, I see open scenery in front of me too.
Standing on the road, I start to walk in search of a different me. How is it that I walk with no destination in sight. I hear a call, “To Me you belong, To Me you shall return.”

Sometimes I write to release stress but also, to see what I have written as I read it back because in that moment, I am able to connect the ideas and writing with my thought patterns, my weaknesses, and see where I can influence a change. These spontaneous yet, linked thoughts help me a tiny bit to see things in myself that a mirror doesnโ€™t show me. Writing is a form of therapy for me. Better written out than buried in my head. It doesnโ€™t matter how it sounds so long as it helps.

Blind Spots

One of my biggest blind spots that has continually sabotaged me has been trying to stay and act strong. When in real time, I am mentally exhausted, my emotions are not in my control.

I don’t know whether to call this a personality or character fault. It happens under high pressured scenarios where FFF response hijacks me. Looking back I can see situations where my biggest mistakes were made in freeze or fight back mode. I am trying to think of a situation where flight caused me to make mistakes. If anything, taking a step back or fleeing/ running away, seems a better option when hijacked by the emotional brain i.e., amygdala. There is no shame in surviving, live to fight another day.

As a martial arts practitioner…. what will I choose when hijacked by my emotional brain? Fight, flight or freeze? Definitely not freeze… it’s either fight or flight and the judgement call somewhat comes from experience and practise. Exposure to fighting experiences. Once more there is no shame in surviving to live to fight another day, from a position of strength. A martial arts practitioner is a smart fighter, who knows when and when not to engage in battles. He understands that there maybe losing battles, but the war is won by strategy and plan. Damn… I am starting to sound like Sun Tzu. ๐Ÿ˜…

I am writing this because I am trying to assess why in different situations, my nature is to fight back but that’s because in real time, I cannot tell that my emotional brain has hijacked me. This happens under high pressured scenarios.

Going forwards what procedures or process can I put in place to avoid this pitfall? Flight is a good option that gives me a chance to step back, cut the loss short. It gives me a chance to step away, however, it will only be effective if I can be aware in real time. The emotional brain can be very tricky and often it is very hard to know what is happening until the damage is done.I have failed to do this over and over again. I have made a lot of mistakes in life, in high pressured scenarios, in high performance activities. I guess the only way to overcome these faults of mine is by sticking to a process. It’s easier said than done in real time. But if I am able to take corrective action especially to something I have been blind for so long. I can avoid pitfalls and sabotaging behaviour. I can minimise it, I can keep it under check.

I also know that it will not happen overnight and that it will take further practise. In pursuit of any craft, deliberate practise with focused attention is what builds the necessary skills. That said, I am glad to at least have gained this knowledge through constantly reviewing my own work, performances and analysing fights.

The reason why I like to compare my behaviour and my responses in martial arts to other high performance activities is because my experience and skills are greater in martial arts than other high performance endeavours and skills I am pursuing. It provides me an opportunity to assess my nature, my learnt behaviours. By nature I am fiesty, I do not like losing, I am competitive. I like to do better each time. I am impatient and act often without thinking. Knowing all my faults, the only thing that can save me from myself is a process- one of deliberate practise with focused attention.

To summarise this to myself and hopefully it helps you too, my biggest blind spot is keep on fighting even when hijacked by the amygdala. Why? Because my character has been shaped over years such that I act strong even when I am not. Here perhaps what I am seeing is the double edged sword that resilience is. However, it is not resilience that keeps me fighting. It is my emotions.

I have learnt a lot from these books

So as promised, I have been wanting to share my booklist. In this booklist, I will share the books that have helped me with psychology and self-development. I don’t read 52 books a year like an average CEO, but I do think I read quite a lot for my lifestyle. I listen more than I read. By the way, if you are a blog reader, I talk about a lot of different books in my blogs too…you just have to be willing to read and find the diamonds among the pile of treasure ๐Ÿ˜‰ haha… am not for self-praise but you see what I done there ๐Ÿ˜€

Anyhow, if you want to grow, develop your character, learn more about yourself, your business, or even just reflect on life and understand the world through different perspectives. I would recommend checking out these books. These are my top favourites in psychology/ self-development genre not in any particular order though.

  1. The Examined Life ( How we lose and find ourselves) by Stephen Grosz
  2. The Chimp Paradox by Prof Steve Peters
  3. Option B By Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant (I am a big fan of Adam Grant’s work)
  4. Give and Take by Adam Grant (You see what I mean lol)
  5. Originals by Adam Grant ( on my wish list is his latest book Think Again)
  6. Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins
  7. Principles by Ray Dalio
  8. Atomic Habits by James Clear
  9. Deep Work by Cal Newport
  10. Focus by Daniel Goleman ( I am a big fan of Daniel Goleman’s work on EQ)
  11. Primal Leadership by Daniel Goleman
  12. Maximum Willpower by Kelly McGonigal
  13. The Crowd Study of the Popular mind By Gustave Le Bon
  14. How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie
  15. A Hero with a Thousand Faces (Joseph Campbell) I know this is philosophy genre, but there is lots to learn from this book.
  16. Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzsche
  17. Beyond Good and Evil by Friedrich Nietzsche
  18. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy by Jason M. Satterfield
  19. Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman ( This is a classic)
  20. Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza
  21. 12 Rules for Life by Jordan B Peterson
  22. Maps of Meaning by Jordan B Peterson

Instead of including any external links, I will let you search for these books. Most are available on Amazon, Audible, Waterstones or any other book store. I have some of the above books in hard copy and some in audible version. Basically the easiest way to get them in possession ahaha. Nietzsche is quite difficult to comprehend but there is value there to be found if you keep an open mind. They say there is a thin line between insanity and a genius mind. Wow… these are just some of the books I have read since 2018. Before that I used to read fiction only.

I stopped reading fiction for a while, but I still do from time to time. Maybe next time I will share some of my favourite fictional novels.

While you are here, check out my previous post on How to read a book! ๐Ÿ“–