Image: Samurai Art I search the vastness,The deep recesses of my mind.I close my eyes, but it only turns me blind.Staring in this void,No answers I can find.An epiphany occurs,The pieces of puzzle I must bind,Body, Soul and the mind.So, I plunge in my heart, I heard that’s where the Soul resides.The darkness rings a […]Body, Soul and The Mind
(Zarb-e-Kaleem-197) La Deeni-o-La Teeni, Kis Paich Mein Uljha Tu
La Deeni-o-La-Teeyni, Ks Paich Mein Uljha Tu
Daru Hai Zaeefon Ka ‘La Ghaliba-Illah Hu’
Secularism and Latin script! What a meaningless controversy!
The panacea for the weak is: Naught is powerful except God.
Sayyad-e-Maani Ko Yourap Se Hai Naumeedi
Dilkash Hai Faza, Lekin Be-Nafah Tamam Aahu
Those interested in spirit are despaired of Europe;
The atmosphere there is pleasant but its deer is without musk.
Be Ashak-e-Sehargahi Taqweem-e-Khudi Mushkil
Ye Lala-e-Paikani Khaushtar Hai Kinar-e-Ju
Khudi hardly becomes strong without morning tears:
This arrow‐shaped tulip can well grow by the riverside.
Sayyad Hai Kafir Ka, Nachcheer Hai Momin Ka
Ye Dair-e-Kuhan Yani Butkhana-e-Rang-o-Bu
This old tavern, the world of smell and colour,
Is the hunter of the unbeliever but the prey of the believer.
Ae Sheikh, Ameeron Ko Masjid Se Nikalwa De
Hai Un Ki Namazon Se Mehraab Tursh Aabru
O Shaykh, get these rich people out of the mosque!
The niche is sour‐faced at their prayers!
Allama Iqbal- poet of the East.
Warning: This story is for 18+
Meeting The Devil
I was planning a celebration for my 16th Birthday. Being young and carefree, naturally I wanted to try out some drugs. I wanted to experience a different feeling. It wouldn’t be my first time doing them. Last time I tried acid, it was on my 14th birthday and I done it with two other friends at a festival, camping on-site.
It was a bizarre yet frightening experience. Petrifying! I was stuck in this world which seemed like an eternity, everything around was distorted, warped, and it seemed as if I was linked to all dimensions in those lasting hours, which as I said, seemed like an eternity.
It was in that connection, and discovering the fact that there was more than one dimension in this universe, that I experienced psychosis. This is the term used by the mental health experts. I don’t believe it to be true though. I saw things, I experienced things, with all my senses, although distorted and influenced by the acid that I swallowed.
I heard a crying cat, the cat’s cry was coming through a hole so, I followed the voice and jumped into the hole. I felt like I could do anything, I wanted to save the poor cat. I wanted it to stop crying. As I landed down the hole, it felt like my body was transmitted instantly into a different world. I felt my weight disappear and then felt my body once more as I landed. I was naked at this point. My hair untied, with just my underwear and bra. I had to be, because when I swallowed the acid, I swallowed it inside my 3-man tent. I undressed and so did my friends. My other 2 friends were also girls. We were close, we had done a lot of stuff together. We had been in the same school since year 7.
They were not present in the new dimension where I seemed to have landed chasing after the sound of the crying cat.
Why? I don’t know. Perhaps, the experience was different for us all. I relate this story after having recounted the events to someone I could confide in. Since this incident, I have been able to sense people’s energy around them. This was how I was able to choose him.
On the contrary, I have been surrounded with darkness and heaviness since this experience. I experience what they call hallucinations and delusions.
When I found myself standing in this other dimension, I searched for the sound of the cat. When my gaze fell upon the cat, I saw it hanging by a thin thread down a ceiling which had no end in sight. It was an abyss. The cat was being skinned alive, except the head. It was intact with skin still on. The beings that were skinning the cat were surrounding the cauldron in which its body was hanging into. The cauldron was see through, it was filled with cat hair and slimy liquid, cat skins. The cat skins inside were full to the brim. It wasn’t just this cat alone. It was many cats, their skins carefully and skillfully detached from their body.
If the cats were tall enough perhaps, I could have covered my naked body with the cat skin. What were these hooded beings doing? They were tall, cloaked in all black. Looking at them standing where I was, behind their backs, I felt powerful, yet scared at the sight of skinned cats. As I drew closer and closer, with each step my sight adjusted better to the new surroundings. More cat heads hanging from this thin, somewhat invisible thread kept appearing. That provided the answer, why there were so many cat skins inside the cauldron. The slimy liquid could be blood. But the colour was different. It was see through, thick throughout. The cauldron was the most visible thing with everything inside, then the cat heads.
It was as if, I was meant to be seeing what was happening in this world. I wanted to stop this cruelty, and I wanted to know who was behind it. So, I took each careful step forward, planning in my head what I was supposed to say and do. Perhaps, I felt invincible because of the acid effects. I was scared because I wasn’t wearing all my clothes and I was surrounded in this place with cloaked and hooded tall figures, and a cauldron full of cat skins.
As I stepped forward, I couldn’t seem to close my distance towards the cauldron. I was stepping forward, yet the cauldron was as far as it was when I started moving towards it. Perhaps, there was an invisible barrier around it. I decided to shout and speak up. This seemed to be my only option. I don’t know what I would have achieved by getting close to it anyway. It was just my sense of invincibility.
As I screamed, the cloaked figures turned all their gazes at me. It was a piercing sight. It felt as if, they could see through me. They knew who I was, what I had been through in life. I felt ever more naked and stripped. I had lost all clothing to my inner self too. This dimension with all its vivid colours and weird sense of space and time, exposed me to the horrors I had never witnessed before. As they turned around, I saw that these figures weren’t humans. Their eyes looked like cat eyes, with changing colours and slits for pupils that glowed. The rest of their features were fiery, like ribbons of smoke and fire forming their body and face. In the next instant, they surrounded me. Out of my fear, I lunged at them, kicked and punched one of them. However, I seemed to have passed right through them. Those were actual ribbons of fiery smoke that they were made of.
I screamed out, “Why, why are you so horrible to the cats? Why are you skinning them?”
They replied in unison, “This is how we dress ourselves. The cloak you see us wearing is made from the cat skin. Our job is to be the guardians of clothing to our tribes.”
I was frightened, it wasn’t that they replied in unison, but the reality in this world perhaps, was different. The one speaking was speaking in many voices, it had more than one voice.
“W…who a..a.. are you?” I stuttered.
“We are living beings, that have existed long before humans. Although, you can’t see us. We can see you. How is it that you have managed to come into our dimension, beautiful girl?” Asked the being with multiple voices. “I followed the sound of the cat crying and I ended up down here, jumping into the hole,” I replied.
“And how were you able to see that hole? Humans cannot see the entrance to our world,” said the being with multiple voices.
I thought it was better not to tell them about how I ended up here. They seemed to already know though. So, I asked a different question.
“What is your name? How can I get back to the human world?
“I am ifreet, the leader of my tribe. My name is Sansabeel. Look behind you Emile. You will understand more once you do,” said Sansabeel.
I screamed as I looked behind me, there was a similar being right behind me as if it was clinging to my back. Latched onto me!
“I don’t understand, what are you doing?” I shouted.
“What do you want from me? GET OFF ME!” I screamed.
Sansabeel replied, “Quiet down Emile. She is your partner. All you humans are born with one of us attached to you. They cannot speak, they can only whisper. If you quiet down your thoughts, you can listen to her. Her name is also Emile.”
“How do you know my name? How do you know her name?” I asked scared.
“I know things that you don’t. I see things that you don’t. I can communicate with Emile from a distance. We employ message carriers. It’s surprising that you came down here. However, it is not surprising considering it was meant to be,” said Sansabeel.
“What do you mean it was meant to be?” I retorted.
“You are beautiful and talented, you will grow up looking even more beautiful. Emile is jealous of your beauty, so she clings to your back. She wants to be you, but she only shares your name. She lives the same life as you do, next to you. Yet, it is forced upon her. So, she envies you. She wishes to be you. You can be one and you shall be one. For it is the only way out.” said Sansabeel.
I quietened down my thoughts and my mind as Sansabeel spoke. I discovered that I could talk to Emile. I was surprised. She told me, she has always been there, whispering, wishing and talking to me. She told me to be on my guard in this world and not get tricked by the devils. I asked what she meant.
She said that she was a devil. A lesser one. The one called ‘Sansabeel‘ was a greater devil. Higher in rank, power and authority. ‘Ifreet‘ was his rank and position in their world. Hers was ‘Qareen’. She told me how all humans have qareens. Most would share the same name but some would have different name to their human counterparts. I asked why should I be warned and listen to her when she was one of them. How were they trying to trick me? But she said that she had warned and told me what she could. The rest was up to me to figure out.
I turned my attention back at the surrounding beings, rather devils. I looked at the one called Sansabeel. I asked him, “What do you mean by the only way out?”
He replied, “You will know soon. Try find your way out first.”
I tried, I tried finding the hole from which I entered, I tried get near the cauldron but couldn’t. I was stuck in this never ending vast space and the longer I remained there, it seemed as though time was passing quickly. My chest and thighs started to mature more. My buttocks got bigger, my nails and hair grew longer. It felt like many months had passed, perhaps even a year or so.
At this point they were back to their task of skinning cats, some left the place, others joined them. Emile and I were still here. Rather, I was still here and Emile invisible to me in the human world, was now piggy backing me in this world. She seemed weightless. Perhaps because of the fiery smoky ribbons that they were made of. She would whisper in my head now and then but it was getting harder and harder to distinguish whether those were my own thoughts or hers.
A thought occurred to me, what Sansabeel said once, it was meant to be that we will become one? What if the longer I stayed in this dimension, we merged together? I turned to look at my back and Emile on my back seemed to have her body and head on my back now, her hands and legs were inside me. That’s what it seemed to me then. I was scared, is this what was going to happen? Were we going to merge and become one? And would I only leave this place after that happened?
I was scared whether I would leave this place after we merged or would it be the devil Emile who was slowly merging with my body? Remembering what Sansabeel told me about her, she wants to be me. She was jealous of me and everything he said, it only made sense that I wasn’t the one that was going to leave this place. Rather, Devil Emile who would become me would leave from here as me. Her desires and wishes fulfilled.
I was scared. Not knowing what to do, I ran back towards Sansabeel. When I finally reached him. I questioned, if there was any other way of leaving this place?
He replied, “Yes, there is!”
I was delighted to hear his answer and eager to know how? I asked him. “What do I do? Tell me!”
So he said, “The other way for you to leave this place, is to put on the same clothes as us. You were able to enter this place because Emile was whole on your back. Now that she is merging with your body, you can’t leave until it is complete. Although, if you are in a hurry, you can pick one of our clothing, put it on. It will help you to pass through the hole that you came from.” Said Sansabeel
“Ok, how do I put it on? Do I need to put on the cat skin? Will that really fit me?” I asked.
He replied, “There is a slight nuance to it though. You can only put on a new clothing, if you get rid of Emile. Only you can choose to do that. You will have to kill her.”
Ever more scared, I asked him, “Tell me how? I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know how to do it.”
Sansabeel replies, “All you have to do is, repeat the spell after me.”
“Demon Emile, demon Emile, Now you are, No More!”
I repeated it after him and Emile completely disappeared. I asked him, “Is she dead? Has she been killed? What if you tricked me to merge us together quicker?”
He laughed, ” Ha ha ha, did you think I was trying to trick you? Perhaps, that’s what she told you and warned you against!”
I was surprised he knew. So I said, “So was it a trick? I still feel as me? I wouldn’t know till I am back in human world again?”
He laughed once more, ” Ha ha ha, I don’t have to trick you girl. All worlds are mere illusions. All of it is deception. The only thing real is death. You done her a favour, killing her. Now she has been set free of her desires, her envy, her wishes that could never come true. She has passed onto the afterlife.”
“Listen child! When you put on the clothing, you will share some of our knowledge. Though it may be little, it will suffice to get out of this world. It will make you one of us in the human world. You will appear human. But you will also be one of us.”
Scared and having no other option. I took the devil’s word. He offered me a cat skin, white like mine. No hair, it was small though. But when I grabbed it, it grew to my size. I put it on. The skin was cut neatly through the mid-section, I couldn’t zip it or tie it. He told me I would have to sow the skin together with the cat hair. A thread made of cat hair was given to me with a needle. I started sowing, starting by the legs, then the mid and the arms. It took long but I managed to sow it altogether. He showed me a mirror and I looked beautiful wearing the cat skin. My doubts about Sansabeel vanished in that instant. Seeing myself so beautiful, I wanted to thank him for his help.
He laughed when I did, and said that he was thankful that I accepted his offer. I had no idea what he meant. Perhaps he was happy, that I will be one of them. I was scared at the thought of it. But didn’t know what other choice I had in this world. I wanted to get back to our world, the human world and if that meant, killing the demon Emile and putting on the cat skin, so be it.
Once I had the cat skin on, I was able to levitate. Move faster and probably do more than that. I only wanted to get back to our world. I don’t know how long I had been here. The time and space was distorted. I had grown slightly, matured more. I was eager to get back.
With the cat skin on, I was able to see the wormhole that Sansabeel pointed towards and thanked him before leaving. He laughed and said we will meet again.
I jumped in the hole, and found myself back in our realm. I felt human still, but I felt restrained. I was lying down in a bed. One of my two friends I was with when we took acid was by my side. I asked Annie, “what is happening? Why am I tied up? Where am I? We were meant to be at the festival?”
She took a deep breath, hugged me and started sobbing. “Oh Emile! I have been so worried, I have been coming here everyday to see you.”
She filled me in all the details from that night we were together. She told me how Sasha had died. I screamed because I didn’t know what else to do. I screamed more and the nurses rushed in, they injected me with something that put me to sleep despite my attempts at trying to stay awake. I saw them taking Annie outside the room and telling her on the way out, that she was told not to mention anything to me. She apologised and left.
I fell asleep and woke up the next day. I was still restrained in the bed. Apparently, the nurses had been looking after me in my unconscious state. According to them, I was in a frantic state, mostly asleep and when I would wake up, I was talking to someone. They deduced that it was an extreme condition of schizophrenia and psychosis.
Perhaps I was lucky, being diagnosed with psychosis and schizophrenia, I was able to get away with killing my friend at the camp site. Annie filled me in all the details. I killed Sasha, as Sasha was hugging me because I kept screaming and talking to someone, unconscious tripping on acid. Annie told me I had strangled Sasha. She had tried to stop me but I was too powerful for both of them. She told me, how there were multiple voices coming out from my throat and how I had this super strength. She told me, I laid there unconscious after killing Sasha and only properly woke up after 3 weeks. I was sleeping most of those 3 weeks and would wake up now and then in between screaming and talking to someone. I was being fed glucose and other intravenous food. My nails were indeed slightly longer, I couldn’t tell what my body was like. I was restrained and strapped to the hospital bed. The room was small, all walls were painted light grey. The window was sealed with crossbars. The door had a window next to it through which I could see outside and those outside could see me. Sometimes, they would turn on the coating so I couldn’t see outside and only those outside could see me.
I wanted to get out of here. I had so many questions and so much time to think. However, my brain had shut out thinking. It was crucially painful to think. To think about what had happened that night and what I had seen and witnessed in the other world. I mostly managed to scream. I stayed in the mental hospital for another 4 weeks till I had stopped screaming and started responding to a normal conversation. In fact, I was restraining myself from screaming so I could be free. I spoke to the psychotherapists and nurses daily and answered some of their questions every time they came in holding a file and loads of papers. They were monitoring me and everything I said, all my actions, behaviours and apparent emotions.
I remembered Sansabeel’s advice to quieten my mind. I couldn’t listen to my own thoughts but it felt calming just sitting there on the bed restrained, but with an empty mind. They asked me all sorts of questions, they asked me why I strangled my friend? Was I aware of it? Did I remember it?
They asked me what I recalled of that night? What was the last thing I remembered? Why was I scratching my whole body and cutting myself with nails as if trying to sow my skin together? I left out most details from the incident. For some reason something told me, not to mention too many details. The doctors had strong evidence to deduce that I acted unconsciously and under the influence of acid in the incident. They further deduced I developed psychosis and schizophrenia, so I was eventually allowed to leave after a total of 7 weeks.
I was wearing a hospital dress that was slit through the mid and tied in equally spaced laces. I felt sick thinking about the dress and how I came to wear it when all I wanted to do was get out.
The Mad Boyfriend
“I never told this to anyone before not till I met you. There’s something about your energy, like maybe you would listen to me and believe me,” said I.
I spent 3 nights in a love hotel room, first time on the night of my 16th Birthday. I had met him a few times before but only to get weed from him. I wanted to try new drugs and he knew people who were able to get them. We also got acid but having done it the first time, I knew this time how much to swallow to limit it to a 3-day trip. We had all the party drugs, MDMA, LSD, weed, and acid. We swallowed acid last and once I did, it all started it again.
I found myself in the realm connecting all worlds. I was wearing cat skin that I had sewn roughly 2 years ago. I had to be wearing it because we were about to make love right before swallowing acid. I wanted him, and he desired me. He started by kissing my neck and slowly moving his lips all the way down to my belly and kissing my thighs. My heart was pounding, it was beating as it had never before. As we swallowed the acid, it all began.
Once in this other realm, I met Sansabeel again. I asked if I was really with him? He said that I chose the right person and that he was indeed with me. I asked him whether it was me alone that was able to enter this world while my physical body still remained in the human world. He said that I was of the few. The boy I was with, had different gifts and he was leading on a different path. He told me however, that our destinies were intertwined. Sansabeel was the boy in the human world. He had influence over the boy. I asked him how? And he went on to explain that he could communicate with the boy and make him do his bidding. That’s how he was able to find her again. He said that there are no coincidences in life. Everything occurs as it is willed. Be it the divine Will, the choices we make ourselves or the path we are led onto. It is all mere manifestation.
“I don’t understand what you mean Sansabeel,” said I.
“You will in due time, my love!” said Sansabeel.
He went on to tell me that this was a special night, 16 was the coming of age. Tonight they were to be wedded. Joined together in union, Sansabeel my king, and I his queen. The ritual began, many of his kinds surrounded us and watched us as we made love in plain sight. Our naked bodies intertwined. Sansabeel had the power to change forms, he was the boy whom I was making love to. At first, I didn’t know whether the boy was summoned to this realm or was it Sansabeel who transformed. He explained it. He told me, that I had been chosen the day I put on the cat skin.
This ritual were to last 3 days. We were to fast the entirety of the remaining 3 days of human world. This seemed like an eternity in this realm. I was given a new skin to put on. The skin for the Queen. Sansabeel wore his new skin, the cat skin reserved for the Kings of his kind.
He explained that with this new skin I was able to share some of my power and abilities with the boy in human world. He told me that he would always be with me through that boy.
When it was all over, I found myself energised. This new found energy made me feisty. Instead of having a happy and loving relationship, our relationship turned abusive. He tried exert his control over me and I over him. It always led to arguments and physical confrontations.
We were only ever happy when intoxicated and under the influence of different drugs. In that state, I was able to meet the real Sansabeel. I wanted him to remain with me in the human world. He said that this is how it was meant to be. He told me there were some boundaries that were impossible to cross. It was the unwritten ‘Law’. It had to be upheld. Those who broke it, were condemned to abyss for the remainder of eternity. Burnt in flames in perpetuity.
We were special however, what we had was special. Over the years, we have managed to sustain this special relationship, through intoxication, rituals and innate evil.